HARDENED AQUARISTS DICTIONARY By Anonymous, from an old photocopy in Club Archives
AERATION: Little bubbles that are supposed to double the fish capacity of your tank. This may not work for the average aquarist (who has already doubled the capacity of his tanks on sheer "guts" alone).
ACRIFLAVINE: Cures fish while turning aquarists' fingers yellow.
AIR PUMP: A clever device that makes unbearable noise when it works and kills fish when it doesn't.
ALGAE: The most popular aquarium plant.
AMAZON SWORDPLANT: A beautiful plant that everyone else can grow.
ANCHOR WORK: Useful for keeping fish still for observation.
AQUARIUM CEMENT: A type of putty that holds tanks together firmly while allowing them to leak freely.
AQUARIUM SOCIETY: A gang of proven idiots who like nothing better than keeping dozens of smelly old fish tanks, spilling water and talking about Cichlids.
AUREOMYCIN: Medicine that you buy with a 25% chance of curing fish that are worth no more than half of the cost of the aureomycin in the first place.
BRINE SHRIMP: Darned expensive critters supposedly good for all those darned expensive fish.
CHILL: A misfortune that can cause all sorts of ichy problems.
CHLORINE: A gas put in tap water to kill bacteria, algae, and tropical fish.
CONDITIONING: Feeding for breeding.
DAPHNIA: Laxettes for fish. A shell that swims in smelly places, pursued by aquarists with nets who are in turn pursued by mosquitoes.
FILTERS: Aquarists persist in dreaming that these will clean the water without having to ever be cleaned themselves.
FISH: Slimy creatures of low intelligence commonly found on floors, behind aquariums, in filters, and in dealers’ shops under signs that read "rare $25.00 a pair". Often cause divorces, suicides, murders and riots (particularly at aquarium society meetings).
HEATERS: Electrical devices used in aquaria for cooking fish.
ICH: Causes many white spots on tropical fish and, eventually, in aquarists, hair. Usually brought on by chilling (what the dealer says you did when you got your fishes home). Many remedies will eradicate ich, along with a few of your favourite fish.
INFUSORIA: Tiny forms of life that are supposed to thrive in those smelly old cultures.
LEAKS: See the water seeping out of the tank.
LEECHES: Bloody little suckers that become quite attached to your fish.
METHYLENE BLUE: A remedy for fish diseases that works by turning the water so blue that you can no longer see that your fish are sick.
MOUTH FUNGUS: Gives fish bad breath and causes them to lose their sex appeal.
NUMBER OF FISH PER AQUARIUM: Determined by taking the number of fish now in your tank and divide by three.
OXYGEN: What your fish come up to gasp for.
POP-EYES: What aquarists get when they see that new pair of Discus the dealer just got in.
QUARANTINE AQUARIUM: What everyone should keep their newly purchased fish in until their diseases have progressed far enough to be contagious when introduced into other tanks.
SHOW RULES: Irrational laws used to govern fish shows.
SNAILS: The only things in my tanks that never seem to die and always spawn continuously.
SPAWNING MOP: A device used to wipe up spilt water.
TAPPING ON GLASS: Makes fish more lively.
TORN FINS: An injury sustained by fish immediately prior to shows.
*Editor's Notes: The above should not be taken too seriously. This is very old and was put up for archive purposes.
A new version is being looked into.
A new version is being looked into.